I've been feeling the calling for quite a while now. Spirit seems to be pulling me more as of late, and I have never shied away.
Have you ever felt something stirring inside of you and it just felt natural? Something magickal, something profound, something mysterious but yet part of you?
That's what it's like for me.
I won't get hung up on names, titles, about different sects of religons that abound in the world. I guess you can say I draw upon the positive, the good, the things that move me from one direction to the next. Ecclectic? some might say. I guess that would be a good term used to describe me, even if I do not like titles myself.
Ever since Catholic High School, and for that matter, even before that, I had been questioning the faith that I was born into. My first test (that I failed) was Confirmation in seventh grade. Many of times as I sat in class discussing what it was to be Catholic. I embraced the goodness, the spirit of what Jesus' teachings projected. But when I was told that those who did not believe in Jesus would rot in eternal damnation, my blind following of the religion (not the teachings that were written down, mind you) stopped. I questioned everything, and to the dismay of priests, nuns and teachers alike, in frustation of not being able to answer my nagging questions of Bible contradictions would fling out this end all answer to me of my hand being raised, "It's faith. JUST BELIEVE."
I held my voice in check, as being twelve years old and standing with my classmates in the ceremony that would ultimately 'confirm' me as a Catholic... I held myself in check. I wanted to say "No."
I looked at my Parents who had spent so much money to send me to a 'good school'. I looked at my Cousin who was my sponsor for the ceremony, and I even donned the name of my Sister who passed away in honor of her memory as my Confirmation name. And I felt the weighty responsibility if I would have said "No" to the questions that were placed before me before being confirmed.
So, in the end, I bowed my head and mumbled, "Yes, I do." to whatever question they asked of me. I felt in my soul that I could not hold up to that promise. I did this for the pleasure of my family, not for myself. The rest of the night I feigned smiles as people congratulated me. I did not feel connected to it.
In high school I waned even more from my religion and found others that were calling me. The first was the shamanistic appeal of the Native American tradition. I read many books from Lynn Andrews, something I had found in the high school library, and found something deep within them, embracing me.
As I exited high school and made my way to adulthood, I found Judaica finding a place among my heart. I started learning Hebrew so that I could understand the original prayer texts and made a whole hearted attempt to practice some holidays that were on the Jewish calendar.
For the briefest stint of time (the span of a week or two in the summer of 1998), I tried to embrace my Mother's Baptist side -she had converted to Catholicism in order to marry my Father- but I found that it wasn't right for me (lovely people tho, very open and warm!)
Through all of my exploration, I did behind closed doors. I would broach spiritual subjects ever so tentatively around my parents. Over the years I have found that my Mother was the more leniant of the two. She most likely thought my interests, well, interesting. My Father on the other hand, took high offense quite easily, even tho he was a non-practising Catholic ever since I was a child (we would have to twist his arm to go to Sunday mass, and I don't think he attended more than 5 in my lifetime of Catholic school).
To each their own. Now married and with a four year old son, I find myself, once again, on a spiritual path.
I welcome it. I embrace it. I am pleased to find myself awakening again to something spiritual (being sick that last few years with health ailments can really pound on that door of spirituality, that's for sure). I've come to a healthy understanding about life and death. Cycles. Seasons. And love.
To those who find that they themselves have a bitter pill against all religions except their own and want to angrily and hatefully bring attention to themselves and the person they question- it is intollerable. I embrace many facets and appreciate many venues of spirituality. Why someone else cannot respect another's decision about spirit, is beyond me. Being upset about someone's choice is like trying to describe the air we breathe. To one person it may represent one thing, to another something different. If we can learn to live with one another, side by side, with an ounce of tolerance, then peace can be achieved.
This is a journey I would like to share not only for myself to reflect upon but perhaps for others who may be going down a spiritual path as well.
Moving through peace and light.
Blessed Be.
